Thursday, December 3, 2009


A big decision looms, and I do not know what to do.

For a few weeks now, my prayer has been that God would close all the doors but one -- the right one -- because I honestly do not feel equipped to make this decision. Unfortunately, I am beginning to think that this will be one of those times when God does not give me what I want. It seems, in fact, that he might throw ALL of the doors wide, wide open and leave me to choose which one to walk through.

Dang it.

I really wish we could have done this the easy way. You know, with God forming the clouds into arrows that point towards the neighborhood or city where I should move and writing the answers to all of my questions in chalk on the sidewalk outside of my house and having a stranger at the grocery store spontaneously burst into song with words outlining my whole entire future, from today until the day I die.

But no. And, of course, I am sure that all of this is for something, for some greater purpose that I just don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean I like it.

This has been particularly difficult for me, I think, because in addition to being quite awful at decision-making and somewhat (extremely?) irrational when I am stressed and/or tired, I am facing this very significant life decision on the heels of a season of no options... of no tangible possibilities or offers or even workable suggestions for jobs or relocation or future plans. I guess I just expected that when that whole time of uncertainty ended, the something that followed would be clear. And singular. And simple.

But, as two of my dearest and wisest friends told me in two separate conversations, what is MOST difficult here is that at the end of the (metaphorical) day, no one can tell me what to do, and there is no "right" answer. This is quite unfortunate, as I would really like one right answer as well as someone to tell me what it is. I am sure I should find some peace in this, because it means that all will be well regardless of my choice, but it mostly just makes me confused. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that God is guiding me to my decision. But it's not black and white this time.

My head is spinning.

And I’ll be honest, today and yesterday have not been the best of days. I’m very weary. And I just spilled half a pan of lentils on my kitchen floor. I know, right? I almost cried. I might have used a word I won’t repeat here.

Yet in the same world and in the same little life in which lentils spill on the ground and wise decisions seem impossible to make, there also reside much beauty and all manner of good things. As I drove home from work last night with the new(est) Imogen Heap album playing in the background, I saw the moon rising in front of me, enormous and glowing white in a sky fading from blue to purple to darkness, and then I saw in my rearview mirror that the sun was setting just behind me, coloring the opposite horizon red and orange and yellow and pink. It was so intensely beautiful and strange, I nearly cried.

And then tonight, prior to the lentil-spilling incident, I sat down on the couch with my coffee to get some work done and saw that my neighbor across the street has flashing Christmas lights. Several types of flashing Christmas lights, to be specific. I smiled in spite of myself. Though aesthetically quite horrendous and not at all helpful to my ability to focus, I find it somewhat delightful. It’s Christmastime, after all.

So at the end of the (non-metaphorical) day, I will crawl into my warm bed and try to turn off my mind and let myself dream and remember that, in the words of Julian of Norwich, bless her soul,

“All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.”


  1. Dear friend Stacy,

    God is calling you to Indiana. I'm sure of it.

    Come live by meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


  2. D.C. smells bad. for ten years. stay here until then. (or a little before)

  3. Hey. You don't know me by blog, but I am David's friend, Eric, who came to your place to watch a documentary one Sunday night about Trekies. I follow David on his blog and stumbled upon yours and your face was familiar to me. I continued to read your most recent entry and my heart broke in your circumstance. I have been there before.

    All the words in the world are not going to help you through this. And that stranger in the grocery store will never outline your life story. If I knew everything that would happen to me, I would find myself getting very self-confident and ditch God outright. He doesn't give us everything, because he wants us to rely on Him and give Him our heaviest burdens.

    This weight that you are carrying seems to be forcing you into an emotional whirlwind, sending you to seek shelter. Run to Him. Seek Him. His peace is the eye of the storm. The calm within the chaos. Confusion diffused by understanding that surpasses everything. It's beauty is unmatched, and there is nothing more captivating.

    As I said before, it is hard to get through something like this with just words. I don't know your situation, but I don't have to in order to care. Prayer crosses over what our minds THINK can happen and enter into what He WILLS to happen. I would trust a guy looking over everything, seeing all angles, over a man who is on the ground, seeing from one perspective. This is us. We only see things from our viewpoint. As soon as I place trust in God, who sees ALL things, the bad starts to make sense in the plan of things and the good begins to take effect.

    I don't know you well, but I don't need to to care. I pray He reveals to you what you need to do and that you place trust in Him, who loves you so very much.